Be Careful What You Pray For!

 After being married for several years we began what turned out to be a long painful journey to have children.  Test after test being negative, frustration began to build.

I cried out to God to answer us.  I pleaded our case as to why God.  I was sure He thought we would be terrible parents since He had not granted us any children.

Then the day came, finally some 6 years of trying, a PINK POSITIVE! The excitement we experienced was way over the top!  The joy of buy maternity clothes, taking the prenatal vitamins, and Doctor visits could not be measured.

Only to lose the baby at 12 weeks.  Boy did we ever come crashing down.  This was a very dark time for me spiritually.  I begged and prayed the “Hannah’s Prayer”  “God is you will give me a son, I will give him back to You.” Be careful what you pray for.

After the horrible painful miscarriage and D&C our arms still remained empty.  We again were back to infertility treatment.  After a year, PINK POSITIVE again!  We were much more fearful of telling anyone our good news…but eventually, not able to contain our joy, we burst and told everyone.

Surely this time it will work.  We were more involved at church and the timing seemed perfect.  Surely God wouldn’t do that to us again.  Be careful what you pray for.

In an instant we came crashing down.  It happened yet again, we lost the baby!  Painful miscarriage, D&C again.  Laments to God filled my soul as once again my arms were to remain empty.

More Infertility testing, more drugs.  My raging hormones did not help my attitude and spiritual bitterness remained.  Be careful what you pray for.

After a year of torturous treatments I told my doctor, I needed a break from treatment.  He checked me first before changing up our plans.  And GUESS WHAT---!PINK POSITIVE again!

We went through the first 3 months on our tippy toes, holding our breath.  On into the last trimester did we finally realize---God was going to grant us our “Hannah” prayer! Be Careful what you pray for.

We named our baby Samuel---- His name means asked of God.  Our joy could not be contained.  We were finally parents! 

Two days after Christmas, just a month after Samuel turned two, he got sick.  Test revealed serious anemia, more tests revealed, our precious baby had Leukemia (ALL) cancer of the blood.  Be careful what you pray for. 

At that moment in time, I realized I did not want to keep my end of the “Hannah’s Prayer” to give my baby boy back to God.  But He was surely asking for him back.

I am not going to share the details of this 3  year battle to beat cancer. Nor focus on all the pain and suffering he went through or the scars that forever will remain with him.  The things we went through with our baby are to horrible to mention. 

However it changed our lives.  Clinging to God was our only option.  Never once did He tell us our son would survive.  But still we clung to our only Hope.  God promised to be with us every step of the way.  Those were the words whispered to me, instead of the healing I  had wanted to tell God to do.  I had to give Samuel back to God and let Him do with my baby, what He seemed best.

I wrote this some 21 years later right after his wedding.  He did survive.  He is now 23 and happily married.  I just wanted to offer hope to the many people who have children with cancer, and their family and friends. 

There is HOPE in God!

Cling to Him!

If you look for God you will see Him!